A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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