I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
