you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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