Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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