I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
