I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize