She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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