god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
