Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
