her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
