you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
