so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
