Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
