i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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