Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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