did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
