There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
