i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I am midnight drunk by noon
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
