She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
