Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
