I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
