my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
