I think im going to throw up on grandma
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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