I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
