Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
