Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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