i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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