tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
