I think scott just propositioned me for sex
another moral hangover. fuck.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
