I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
