this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
