College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
