Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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