I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
