U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
