i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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