Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
