A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
