so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
