Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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