I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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