I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize