can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
