i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
