so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
