The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
