I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
