i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
