dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
