I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
