Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
