This is not my ceiling
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
50% drunk capacity currently
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize