I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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