Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
